BY GAWD IT’S WRESTLEMANIA!
Everyone loves WrestleMania. Crazy to think that this is the 33rd edition of pro wrestling’s Super Bowl. I don’t care who you are or where you’re from. You know what WrestleMania is and you know when it happens. It dominates the headlines the next day and it is all over social media. So don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
So myself, LordTreeSap, and friend of the DRM, Mr. Trigger, watched the whole show from start to finish. That’s right, all 167 hours of it. I’d say I’m more than your casual fan because I usually try to know what’s going on storyline wise and I’ll watch the big PPVs. So I’d say I’m not a big mark. I’m just a (little more than) casual fan who still wishes he played wrestling video games. So I usually write 1 or 2 wrestling blogs a year so I thought here’s the perfect time to hit my quota. Let’s go.
Neville defeated Austin Aries to retain Cruiserweight Championship
No problems here. Entertaining match to kick off the pre pre show. Neville is doing the best work of his career and I like how he retained here. Aries is a good wrestler, but his future is in commentating. Purple ropes!!!
Mojo Rawley won the Andre The Giant Really Long Name Trophy
Good for Mojo. Really hard worker who deserved a WrestleMania moment. That being said, BRAUNNNNNNNNNNNN! The immovable monster that they have been building up for so long doesn’t even make the main card. I think it was a classic case of “we don’t have an opponent for him.” I get it. I even get why he didn’t win the Andre The Giant Really Long Name Trophy. He didn’t need it. But his “feud” with Big Show just felt rushed and forced. Here’s to hoping he gets a new program tonight.
P.S. Gronk doing Gronk things.
Dean Ambrose defeated Baron Corbin to retain the Intercontinental Championship
Dean used to headline PPVs. Now, he’s on the pre-show. That is all. Next.
AJ Styles defeated Shane McMahon
Great, great, great opening match. The Phenomenal One is arguably my favorite wrestler of all-time. The guy can do it all. His in-ring ability can’t be touched right now and I don’t even think it’s close. After putting on classic matches with John Cena, AJ went into a program with Shane. Most people thought the AJ vs. Shane feud would disappoint, but these two put on a great, great opening match. Whether he’s traded to RAW or competes for the title on SD, AJ is the face that runs the place. Can’t wait until he fights Nakamura or Balor one day.
Find me two kids that will do anything their father says more than Shane and Steph. I’ll wait…Are you kidding me? Shane O Mac is the craziest dude on the face of the Earth and his sister is right behind him. Shane jumped off the cell last year and he goes coast to coast and does an impressive Shooting Star Press.
Kevin Owens defeated Chris Jericho to become the new United States Champion
Best storytelling by far of all of the feuds. KO is a beast and totally boosts up any title he holds. Jericho is the ultimate professional. Knows his role now. Puts a ton of guys over and still does great work. I think (guess) he’s going away after his rematch so it’ll be interesting to see who Owens goes into a feud with.
Bayley pinned Charlotte to retain her Raw Women’s Championship
The “This could’ve meant so much more” match. The Charlotte PPV streak was beaten like a dead horse but yet it was ended in February? Sasha gets eliminated via turnbuckle? Is Sasha hurt again? I liked how Nia was protected, but this is really about Bayley. She should’ve won the title here for the first time and the crowd would’ve exploded. For whatever reason they decided to give her the title earlier (looking at you, Vince), it took away some steam from her winning here. However, I am still a hugger. I can’t wait for the Bayley – Sasha match at Summerslam. Bayley has the best theme song. THERE AINT NOT STOPPING US NOW.
The Hardy Boyz won the Fatal Four Way ladder match to become the new Raw Tag Team Champions
DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! By far, the best moment of the night was the return of the Hardy Boyz. 12 year old me leaped with joy. Just an awesome moment. It was loud on our TV, but everyone in the stadium said it was an Austin-like pop. At first, I thought “So much for pushing new talent. I hope they don’t win.” But then, I slapped myself in the face and realized the Hardy’s are the most relevant tag team on Planet Earth. As long as they keep the “Broken” theme to an extent (Cause you know it will change), I’m game. The losers of this? Enzo and Cass. I feel like they’re in no man’s land right now. There’s no reason why they should not have had a title reign by now. They were so over with the crowd when they debuted. After some pointless feuds, (Shining Stars??!?!?!) I feel like they’re going to lose some steam if they don’t get a push soon. I see 3 things happening: trade to SmackDown (PLEASE) to bring new life to their tag team division, turn heel (no thanks), or Cass goes into singles competition with Enzo as his manager (probably gonna happen).
John Cena and Nikki Bella defeated The Miz and Maryse
No shocker here. I thought the build up to this match was very good. Miz is easily and I mean easily one of the best and truest heels the WWE has left. Cena and Bella had to win. Someone who has never watched WWE before could’ve predicted the proposal if they have never watched. I’m happy for JC because he got me through the mid 2000s. Can you join the Fast franchise too? Asking for a friend.
Seth Rollins defeated Triple H
I’ll say it. I didn’t like this match and from what I heard, the crowd didn’t either. This pains me to say because I love Seth Freakin Rollins. He was my favorite in the Shield and I love his evil laugh. That being said, this storytelling just felt forced. I did NOT like the buildup whatsoever, but I think I everyone is just frustrated that these two couldn’t wrestle at full strength. The “Hold Harmless” Agreement was as useless as the Smackdown Tag Team Division (It will get better once the New Day / Enzo and Cass go there). Good selling though in the ring by Seth. Love how Triple H put Seth over even after he lost last year. Trips “gets it.” It’s NXT’s time. It’s time to push young talent. Say what you want about Triple H. The guy understands that it’s his job to make new stars. Also, STEPH IS THE GOAT. Steph was speared last year and PUT THROUGH A TABLE this year.
Randy Orton defeated Bray Wyatt to become the WWE World Champion
FUCK THIS. You just gave Bray the title and now you give it to Randy? Ughhhh Et Tu, Vince? Bray is back in the doghouse! Don’t get me wrong. I like Randy, but he should take a page out of Jericho’s and Triple H’s playbook. Bray needed this more. Not you. I can see it now. Randy Orton vs. John Cena for the Championship record at Summerslam. Woo!!!!!!!!!
Brock Lesnar defeated Goldberg to become the Universal Champion
For what it’s worth, a match with four. Yes, FOUR MOVES, that was under 5 minutes entertained me. I hate part time champions (which is a story for another day), but Brock is a better part-time champion than Goldberg. At least it was an upgrade from their previous matches. Now Brock is going to hold the title for probably a year until Roman fights him at next year’s Mania. I get it. Brock is a star. Brock sells tickets. It’s a good business decision, but not good for the fans.
Naomi forced Alexa Bliss to tap out to become the SmackDown Women’s Champion
FEEL THE GLOW!!!!!! No problems here. Just glad they didn’t cut this from the card. You deserve so, so much more, Becky Lynch.
Roman Reigns defeated The Undertaker
The right move was made. I could spend forever talking about the Undertaker and how much he meant to WWE, but you already know that. Thank you, Taker.
This is about Roman. The Roman Empire. The Big Dog. We meet again. Roman needed to win last night and he did. Whether you like it (which I know you don’t) or not, Reigns is Vince’s guy and he has been chosen to carry the torch of the future. Whatever, I’ll deal with it. I’m going to state what everyone else knows: It’s time to turn heel. Roman is not an underdog. He should brag that he retired Taker to the heavens and just be a monster just like his future Mania opponent, Mr. Lesnar. If he’s still a face, then it’s just another year of wannabe writers on the Internet saying what the current writers already know. Everyone knows Roman should be a heel besides Vince. Let’s see what happens tonight on the best RAW of the year.