Wake up. Shower. Shave. Have your hair and makeup done for hours. Have your stylist put on your custom suit. Get in car. Drive to Oscars ceremony. Sit in traffic. Spend hours on the red carpet doing interviews. Pose for thousands of pictures. Get asked the same questions. Go inside. Sit in your seat for hours. Barely eat or drink anything. Clap after every nominee is announced. Stand after every performance. Hold in your pee. Wait until the end of the night to go on stage after your movie wins Best Picture. Awkwardly, give high-fives to the crew as people come forward to give speeches. Leave the stage. Go to the press conference room to answer questions. Walk to the afterparty in a crowded area. Mingle with some of your friends, but it’s mostly people you don’t care about. Maybe get a bite of a burger or some appetizers. Drink some alcohol because you deserve it. Tap your feet to the music, which all of a sudden got super loud once celebrities started grabbing the mic from the DJ. Sneak in one dance especially if you come with your significant other. Look at your phone as you plan your escape. Stay a little longer after you network with some directors or producers. Call your driver. Walk outside. Run into more celebrities. Get your picture taken by the paparazzi. Get in your car. Go home. Pass out.
You can watch the Oscars from the comfort of a Chicago dive bar with Michael Shannon. Sip a beer, see yourself on the TV, maybe get a bite to eat, and let out a small fist pump once The Shape of Water wins an award.
I don’t know about you, but this is an easy decision.
I’m going to the Oscars.